Monday, August 01, 2005
shattered... @ 9:42 PM
i dun feel like blogging abt today. there realli is no point. i dunno y. ppl always say i'm strong. yea. at the gym, i can pull off a few dozen pounds heavier den some frens, yea, i may be physically sound (nearly), but deep within me, real deep within me, i can feel this emptiness. This time, its not spiritual. Its not. i dunno wat it is. its juz this soul-sucking emptiness that realli drains myself. today, the whole day, ppl could see my fatigue. piano lesson. no matter how hard i tried, no matter how much emotion i tried to engulf the piece in, it just wasnt there. i couldnt evoke my emotions. esp e 3rd piece. it was supposed to be calm, warm, relaxing, juz so beautiful and perfect. it was my best piece. my teacher couldnt feel it. she knew it too. the feelings and the warm, sensitive, emotional guy i was was juz... dead. its that something lacking in my life. its that something. i need that something. i think i know, but yet i dun.
i'm confused, i'm scared, i'm tired, i'm drained. i feel so alone, so tiny, so cold. the world seems so perfect around me. everyone's happy, everyone's cheerful, everyone's being loved, everyone juz seems so perfect. but me, this tiny, frightened, miserable guy, who's curled up and being rolled around by the pace of his life, like some lifeless little... marble. i dun wanna use e word ball coz to me, balls are objects of happiness and innocence, those days i yearn to gain back... far fr reality, far fr truth. so beautiful, so happy, so lovely. someone help!!!
why... why me. why now. why!!! i feel like crying, i feel so weak... its juz not me... or is it? i'd so love to break free. to fly away, to the place of which i'd love to be. i juz cant pick myself up. ppl always tell me "get over it!" i can. it'll onli be but juz a temporary facade, an emotional veil... i wanna scream. i wanna shout. i wanna release my emotions! the nite is so peaceful, but it cant hide the rage, the suction, the emptiness. i cant express myself more. i myself dunno wat's wrong. confused. dead. sad. broken down. shattered...
he left a mark
