Friday, October 07, 2005
@ 7:52 PM
woah... juz now i was playing NFSU 2 to chill out. then there was this very very long street circuit race. at the start, (as usual), the other cars used turbo and overtook me. somehow, my mind suddenly turned this whole race into a metaphor for an aspect of my life. The sudden angst and adrenaline juz got pumped into me. it was somehow like a mixture of anger at the lack of performance, determination to win and to beat the crap outta e other opponents. each time i overtook 1 car, there was this odd sense of sadism (its not sadism, but i cant find e word to put it right) that made me purposely hit the other car at an angle so it would spin out. at each successful attempt, there'd be this sense of happiness in me... at each failed attempt or each crash i made with the road cars, that jolt of furiosity and pain juz went thru me. It din juz happen to one race, but all e races i raced today. then when i'd overtaken all cars, taken e lead, boosted my turbo, it felt good. i won. it felt real good. a great sense of satisfaction, accomplishment, and that sort of happiness. a sort of seemingly evil, but definately justified and good happiness. is my metaphor to tt particular aspect of my life realli so accurate? issit realli liddat? i think it is. there's this agreement, the kind of relaxed feeling when my body expresses wat it feels like expressing, i can feel inside my body as i'm typing this out. I think i've always been very competitive. but never, and i stress NEVER, had the thirst for success, the thirst of being THE ONE to win ever been so great, so overwhelming, so powerful that its surrounding my whole body, adding turbo to myself, pushing me on. i doubt most of u will get wat i mean in this post. maybe all. i can no longer find comfort in juz expressing myself now. i can't. i'll take action to fulfil it. here i come.
he left a mark
