Thursday, December 22, 2005
@ 10:44 PM
i have this weird feeling in me rite now... very numb... its like i'm so tired yet so awake, so stressed yet so hyped up. totally lost too. i remember talking to amanda, my cousin, exactly a wk ago. i told her about me being paranoid, she replied "it runs in our family i guess". i feel so scared of everything. i'm scared i'll flunk academics, i'm scared of going back to school again and facing all the marks, results, competitiveness... i guess i'm kinda feeling insecure. ppl ask me y i'm mugger, finish homework so early. i finished NEARLY everything, but feeling so stressed about completing the final part cos i feel like lazing around, yet dun want anything to happen to my grades or homework. yet there's a part of me who wants stg else. an escape. a form of happiness. a form of comfort. i even have to fight for it. i even hv to worry about it. i sometimes wonder y i even bother abt it when there's so many other ways i can obtain this form of happiness. so many other ways i can get it. i'm looking at my Redox rite now. thinking of the classroom. i'm picturing a white prison. a torture chamber. mental one, not physical. i'm thinking of PSL camp, orientation camp. thinking of next yr's sec1s as some sort of vampires. i'm thinking of my family. yea. i finally decided to tell my dad. some of u know wat i'm talking about. i told him. juz a few sentences. he juz gave a few sentences reply, as tho nth happened. it realli felt very anti-climax. i said e same thing to Mr. Siow and got so much more comfort and re-assurance. y? crap, i'm incoherent and not even bothering to start new paragraphs. juz wanna type and type and type and type. feels good. i can type without looking at the keyboard. i like this. when i'm feeling weird, i like to run. i like to type. i like to do stg related to speed. pure, brainless chionging. go go go and 1km/ 1 paragraph done. at the end, you're panting like half-mad, but looking back, u feel accomplished. its deceit yes. u're trying to use accomplishment fo this jog u've completed as accomplishment for wat u reali wanna achieve. fake. yes. wat a facade. wat the crap manz. Christmas is coming soon and i'm feeling rotten. i dun even feel e mood larh. like wth? its THE time of e year! the time of thanksgiving, the time of joy, the time of family gathering, the time to show appreciation to everyone. so many ppl bothered to write to me, to give me presents. and wat hv i done? nth! nth! i dunno why i'm feeling this way. how come i dun even wanna write to them? are my academic commitments much more impt? cant drill2 wait a while? cant yang-tinggi ka-kanan, rendah ka-kiri, dalam satu barisan, peras wait? y are the hols passing by so fast? tat nite at Changi beach. juz a temporary moment of peace. listening to "Baby Goodbye", feeling the sea-breeze, dazing out the sea, merely glimpsing at the ship-lights far in the horizon, sensing the romantic aura of couples all around me. the others were juz laughing at me lorh. so dazed. zach could even point out my emotional mood cycle. laughs! laughs... i guess u all know me well. i nvr liked to conceal myself. the feeling's juz simply unbearable torture. well... everything abt emotion is. as long as its not happiness, its torture. ok, btw, my Last Christmas is by Savage Garden, not NSYNC, i remembered wrongly. anyway, i'm in no mood for tt. i switched on e comp to do my hw, and revise my drill. oh fong off, u evil wordy creeps. i'm thinking of drill on christmas eve, and for once in a long long time, i dread my full U. i love my full U, juz i like i love... nah, not a good comparison. the level is totally different. anyway, amandus and i sharing our woes now. xD my cousins rock larh. i hear about cousins being cold to each other, and i thank God for my close cousins and frens. u guys rock! =) oh crap, lost my voice. thanks to BBQ stingray last nite. haha! whee! typing typing. typeyt type. haha, amandus juz told me how he screwed up his pri sch outing, where there's this gal he likes. i was liddat too. last time, i would juz do the dumbest things when beside a girl i crush. public speaking helps. gives u confidence. i dun deny i still do stupid things now, but more controlled larh. haish.... i think i better stop typing. its totally incoherent. argh...
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