Monday, February 20, 2006
@ 7:53 PM
talking to junda now... "finding motivation in life" is so damn true...
to all BB guys reading these, dun take this to heart, i juz find that i realli need a place to vent out... i juz find sometimes tt BB is juz getting no fun... its... monotonous and result-orientated... everything we're doing is for the prestige and honour and JM Fraser Gold and wat not... i can safely say junda geoff and i dun feel joy in doing stuff for BB sometimes nowadays, cos we ourselves dun feel the vibe. i dunno why we slog and slog and slog for BB, but there's not reallli much of a sense of satisfaction, the good ole feeling of BB is gone!
now i'm always questioning why i'm doing so much for BB, why i'm neglecting my work, my personal life sometimes. everytime i see ppl out there having fun, having so much joy, love and wat not, i juz feel so down larh. i mean, after wat i've done, is there realli a meaning? is is, crudely saying, worth my time? the onli joy i find sometimes is piping a few fav tunes with longkuan or mdm yvonne or sth, that's all. i know as a leader, as a BM, i'm not supposed to be saying this, but i think BB is different. its not about having invulnerable, all-mightly leaders, but having empathizing leaders whom ppl can approach larh, after all we're brudders. haish, brudders. sometimes even the bonds dun feel there. and then i feel so dejected... i dunno larh... juz feel very vexed. blardy hell everytime i try to make my frens around me happy cos dun want them to feel like i do, but i realli feel very like... nobody? dunno larh, total sianness...
everytime i'm trying to do sth, to push on, i've to create false fantasies or events tt can make me happy in my head such as to falsely turn on some adrenaline to push that extra bit. i dunno how much more i can tahan. there's been plenty of times i juz feel like telling myself to quit. that there's realli no pt. mon-sat: slogging my guts out for everthing, sun: trying to do hw, but so tired my body juz gives way and revising at most 5hrs, for one whole week's work. rejecting my cousins to go out for dinner, to meet for a while, rejecting my frens to do this, i cant even go attend ex-cons sometimes when i am able to get an excuse to. blardy life... its realli a struggle larh... if i'd been given another chance, i may have chosen my path-life differently. i read zach's blog abt how even holidays choosing how to have fun becomes pressure. dun even talk abt tt, sleeping becomes a sort of pressure too. worry worry worry, then see the time, "OMG" like 1am liao still dun sleep then like shyt muz sleep muz sleep etc... then next morning wake up like wanna die liddat, still drag my feet to school and wat not, receive test papers, receive more assignments and kau.
u know, sometimes i dun wonder why students are turning vulgar and cynical and rebellious nowadays. that's e onli avenue they hv left to vent wateva they hv inside them. and wat we vent is juz e tip of e iceberg. there's so much stress and pressure built up inside us it juz has to leak, and there's no way we can do it. so its e onli way we can vent larh. kau, life sucks manz... and after all this ranting, still got a crap load of work left. its onli wk 7 T1. still got 3 terms 3wks to go... SIAO AHHH!!!! :'(
he left a mark
